Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Welcome to the stomach
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.