I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Who’s your best friend?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m giving up for Lent.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*