Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”