The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.