Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send