After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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When someone trying to leave me
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
$4 #usedbooks
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
6: are snakes just neck?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
A woman drives into a bar.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.