One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR