A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*