Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
and now we wait
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.