Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
no their not
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.