Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus