me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Home #decor warning.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99