angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it