Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.