*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP