spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.