According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
You Might Also Like
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Lmao
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
my sentiments exactly
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”