me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people