I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
wait.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”