Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
You Might Also Like
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?