8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Growing up was a huge mistake
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.