I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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Noah
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
oh shit
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.