I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*