127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.