when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You Might Also Like
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
How is it still this week?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?