Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
how high up are we talkin’?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
paddle faster i hear baby shark
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.