My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus