Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You Might Also Like
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old