[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano