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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Sheep
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you