i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery