Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?