I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Botany good plants lately?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.