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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.