[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
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My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“Why you watching this shit?”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Shark week, but for squirrels.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.