Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.