Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Need WebMD
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.