What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit