Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Mornin
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.