I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Meow
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.