[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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dads on road-trips be like
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I only eat vegetarians.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.