When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.