I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds