My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know