i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more