hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Tremendous stuff
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”