I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake