Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Carpe DM
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Lmao
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…