*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!