Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Oh deer
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.